omg help this is just turning into a sickness log now LMAOOOO. anyways!! so essentially what happened is over the past year ive gotten sick like 8 times? and the last two were. Not good. rly bad fever in april but thats besides the point. around dead week i finally pushed myself wayyyy too much and got pretty sick bc of it @_@ then i got pneumonia which suckeddddd esp during final week LMAO (but at least i didnt have 2 take my chem final massive w). and as a result of all that bullshit im sooooo fucking exhausted as of late. like laying in bed all day or feeling like falling over kinda exhausted. which rly pisses me off personally bc isnt it supposed to be summer where i go out and have fun with my friends???? well i actually did that and now im back to being super fucking tired. amazing. but what pisses me off sooo much is that mom is like being a total asshole sometimes (well my little brother is pissing her off a lot lately so i get it but still. ohhh my god.) like ill be laying in bed and she'll be like bothering me every other second to go take a walk or to go wheel the trash bins out or to get off my phone and IM JUST SO FUCKING TIRED LIKE HOLY SHIT GET A HINT. she was like this when i was sick too like im sorry my bedroom is full of tissues and i cant get up to pick some of them up please leave me alone im so fucking tired. oh and i also just got braces so thats ultra fun. terrible awful horrible no good month
holy shit long time no update huh??? anyways. the past few months have genuinely been some of the best in my life. i dont know if that's because i feel like ive finally recovered or because of other factors (oh my god and i also finally found a fucking academic subject im genuinely interested in)(and i finally dress the way i want to) but i made it through!!:D im also adding some of my own messages i left to myself just for my own sake? leaving records is important and sadly i tend to not do that when i am Not Doing Well. uhh i do want to say that earlier on there was a lot of catastrophizing? a lot of people got it LOT worse than i did. i was lucky enough to be in the 75% that do mostly recover in a year or less. my heart goes out to the other 25% and anyone else struggling with this stupid ass virus bullshit :,) stay strong soldiers o7. i just wanted to make this page on the off chance that someone struggling with it knows that they aren't alone because i sure as hell felt alone as hell and that sucked massive ass. idk exactly bwhat the situation is now but being stuck with practically zero info with doctors telling you theres no cure and to just wait and being directed to experimental doctor people who just give you ten million vitamins that basically dont do anything and taste like shit is..... pretty frowny face emoji to say the least. and that paired with being too fucking tired to do much of anything and beating yourself up for it because you arent doing as much as you can and also feeling like no one wants to hang out around you because all you do is stand there because you cant think of any fun conversation topics or act cool (too tired to anyways!!) sure is a combo alright!! this is probably the last entry unless smth else comes up.
uh. so some of my symptoms from earlier came back and i really hope that mysterious illness i got a week and a half ago wasn't covid again bc if so im like back to square two god fucking damnit. my brain fog has come back and ive been getting really cold/really hot for no reason and im tired all the time again :( my sense of smell and taste r still there thank fuck. and my inner monologue is still there so that's good. im rly worried though... i think last fall was genuinely the lowest point of my life
my inner monologue is mostly back now :O and i think my sense of smell is coming back...woohoo!
so it's been 4 months now since i supposedly recovered from covid proper and according to the doctor i talked to around 3 months ago, i was supposed to completely recover from my leftover symptoms by now. I'm not sure if its just a hormone surge thats fueling this sudden worry i have but like god damn!!! will i ever get back to normal? i don't want to forget what my previous normal was since i feel like i was doing a lot better back then. but i feel like i will at some point. and that kind of terrifies me.
i mean, according to my dad my overall mood has gotten better and i think my congestion has mostly gone away. but theres only so much forgetting a person can take. it feels kinda funny though. i'm finally trying to get out and do the things i've always wanted to do, but i just feel like shit all the time. i suppose it's better than just doing nothing. i wonder if i would have enjoyed my introduction to theatre more if i didnt have this bs shitty die attached to my brain. actually its not even a question i definitely would have enjoyed it more if it werent for this shitty ass virus stuck in my system lol
anyways, some funny changes ive noticed about the world around me:
oil has an interesting taste. i can taste it in both seaweed and microwave popcorn . leftover ramen tastes like metallic. people need more deoderant. they smell like dead fish and rust. raw meat (especially chicken) smells like the bathroom. ew.
nowadays, my brain is solid tv static the majority of the day. i also tend to do all my schoolwork on a weird kind of autopilot where i am doing the steps of something without really actively understanding what i am doing? its kind of bizzare. most days, i feel like i am living in a dream. my memory is also still the size of a goldfish. I've given up on trying to keep track of everything. i feel bad for telling my friends over and over because it feels like a cheap excuse at this point...
i feel pretentious complaining about this so ill stop :) its just frustrating because no one has any answers. and that i got all the available boosters and vaccines but am still stuck with this!! pls world, i cant ✨live laugh love✨ in these conditions!!!
istg my mom is so annoying sometimes like i called my shit long covid and she was like “now lets not diagnose ourselves” like bro thats literally what the doctor called it😭😭😭 idk maybe shes in denial or some shit she only says that when i call it by name
so basically what happened to me after covid is i got lasting symptoms. but i was like okay itll go away after a week or so and three weeks later its still there which is a bitch cause its like im living in an eternal fog. and i cant concentrate on things EVEN LESS THAN I ALREADY COULD WHICH IS SAYING A LOT LMFAO i also get headaches like 24/7. my anxiety has worsened tenfold. feeling very depressed too. and im also really fucking tired all the damn time which is a bitch cause i also have zero neergy for social interaction (also read: anxiety) but im also feeling very lonely (feelsextrovert) but i also know no one at this theare camp. and basically any minor inconvenience at this point will piss me off for no good reason and people too but its not their fault at all. and mentally its very chaotic tldr this is the worst mental state ive been in like ever probably. i mean its not as violently "worse" as quarantine was read:constant panic attacks like im not having those. but its a drone. i fucking hate it here. im really worried i might have long covid cause my mom is recovering from her symptoms and im not. im getting worse. and there isnt a cure for long covid. its just a massive gamble and i could end up dealing ith this shitty ass brain fog short term memory loss headaches for multiple years in the worst case scenario. so idfk what ill do maybe ill just die lmao/j